The Assassin's Butler

Being an account of Tholemy J Schloss, member exquisite the League of Gentlemen's Gentlemen.

I, Tholemy J. Schloss, being of sound mind and irritated nerves, do hereby begin the task set forth by my late employer. I make a record here, to be reviewed by the Benevolent Assassin's Association and the League of Gentlemen's Gentlemen, as insurance of my integrity. This is to be a faithful narrative of my efforts to fulfill the requirements of my late employer's Last Will and Testament, the conditions of which I will acquaint you hereafter.

To begin with, my employer died a horrible death, which came as some surprise to the Association, and probably to him. He was at the top of his form, well-liked by his associates, respected by his clients, admired for his acumen and style - for which I take some small measure of credit.

If one is honest, assassin's and butlers have much in common. Both are in the business of cleaning up after others. The best can do so without attracting undue attention. The truly elite do it all with a certain panache, a class and style that keeps them above suspicion in even the most morbid circumstances.

My late employer was one of these, and the respect between us was, to the last, so steady that he has entrusted me with the final wish of his life: To safeguard his reputation, even in death, by completing any outstanding contracts – and to be revenged upon the heinous soul who cruelly snuffed the light of this shining star before his time.

The Benevolent Assassin's Association and the League of Gentlemen's Gentlemen have agreed to stand in support and uphold my status (honorary in the case of the Association, and full in the case of League), that I may fulfill the obligations left to me. Both organizations have my gratitude and utmost respect. And I would like to assure the members of each, should any of you be among the list of targets left to me, that I will do my utmost to dispatch you with efficiency and dignity.

To begin with, if I am to achieve the desired results, and live to tell the tale, I believe I must cater to my strengths. I have a plan in mind that will allow me to eliminate several of my late employer's targets with maximum efficiency. The scheme is elaborate, and involves no small degree of risk, which would please my late employer, he having been an adventurer and thrill seeker in life.

By the time I am finished there will be no question; the butler did it.


Respectfully,